After the vaginal ultrasound from hell, I figured the worst of it was probably over.
Looking back, I laugh at myself for thinking that.
If I could go back in time a few months, I'd council my past self and say something along the lines of, "Oh ye stupid one. This is just the beginning!" and then I'd laugh some evil laugh"Bwah hahahahahaha!!!" I'd also remind myself to drug up before the HSG test.
HSG is short for Hysterosalpingogram, or to the layman, a test that is painful, invasive, and is really expensive and most insurance don't cover. I had scheduled it on a Friday so I could take half of the day off work thinking I'd be in and out of the hospital in no time and I'd start an early weekend. However, my weekend plans were altered a bit when my doctor told me what I could expect of the test. "Some women think it's the worst pain of their lives, and some just think it feels like bad cramps."
Oh, so that's it, huh? I'll either keel over in pain or I'll think it was nothing. How does one prepare themselves for the worst pain of their lives? If it was only as bad as cramps, I knew I could easily handle it, as I've had some pretty bad ones in my life. (You know the kind that knock you over and the only position that makes life somewhat bearable is the fetal position, but it's awkward because you're trying to hold a hot water bottle to your lower abdomen? Yeah, I'm familiar.)
But just in case it
was painful, my doctor gave me a prescription for a valium (yup. just one) to help take the edge off & he also told me to take 800mg of ib profin before the procedure. Because you're not supposed to drive while taking Valium, my mom offered to drive me and offer moral support.
When I got to the hospital, I checked in & immediately swallowed my Valium. It didn't take long to kick in and I suddenly felt very, very relaxed. I wasn't nervous at all and suddenly everything was very funny to me. I wanted to laugh at everything and yet there wasn't anything that was particularly hilarious. Weird reaction, right? Then about 5 minutes before the procedure, I realized I had forgot my ib profin. Crap. I quickly rummaged through my purse and all I found was Excedrin Migraine. I figured that Excedrin does an excellent job and soothing my aching head, so why wouldn't it sooth my aching nether region too, so popped a couple of those hoping it would help numb the pain in time.
Next thing I knew, I was called back into the radiology room. Once again I had to undress, but this time there was a bathroom that locked, so I knew there wouldn't be any surprises. (Remember the Hispanic nurse in part 1? There was no "Oh hello!!" this time thank goodness!) The nurse gave me a hospital gown that actually covered everything quite well (no paper towel "blanket")! I tied some oddly placed ties as best as I could so my buns weren't showing and climbed up on the exam table.
As I waited in the room, the nurse explained what would happen & showed me all the tools they'd be using. On the one hand it was nice to be prepared, but on the other hand, all I could think about was the size of the speculum. I'm sure I cocked my head to the side and thought "Hmm..I don't remember it looking quite so big..." because the nurse glanced at it, then back at me, and said, "Oh, that's just what the doctor uses to see inside you." Duh. When the doctor came in, I knew the drill. Lay back, scoot down, and place my feet in the stirrups. And even though I was somewhat mentally prepared, it never gets less awkward having your vajay inches from a strangers face.
The next thing I heard was, "Okay, so I'm just going to insert this speculum and open it so I can get a good look at your cervix..." - That's when the real fun began.
I knew it would be painful, but having someone prob around trying to find the opening of your cervix hurts like a mutha! I immediately tensed up, arched my back, and had a death grip on the sides of the exam table. I think I even yelped a little. This was when I really wished I had remembered the ib profin and cursed the Excederin for not working.
"Just try to relax." I laughed a little when he told me this. That's like telling someone who is deathly afraid of heights to not be afraid while you're standing on top of the Sears Tower. I did my best, but it wasn't until he finally got where he needed to be and closed the speculum a little that the pain was bearable. The rest was a breeze. He inserted the catheter into my uterus & fed it into my cervix. I couldn't even feel that. Then he told me he was going to pump up the balloon in the catheter, which helps push the dye through the cervix and falopian tubes. This part was uncomfortable, but bearable. The next several minutes, the doctor proceeded to take pictures of my innards while occasionally re-adjusting my position...get on your side...get on your other side...get on your back again...I had to bear this a bit longer than usual because he couldn't get my right tube to drain. They had a little screen pulled up so I could see what he was doing and while the dye filled my left tube, the right was blocked.
Before I knew it, the test was over & everything was taken out. The doctor had tried to unblock my right tube, but to no avail. He told me that surgery was an option to open the tube, but because I have one good side, I probably wouldn't have to go that route.
So, I have one good tube and one not so good tube. 50/50. Now we see what happens. I'm sure the worst isn't over. I know there'll be more drugs, more procedures, & probably more waiting, but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it! Giving birth should be a breeze after this, right?
The reception that evening was held at Allie's cousin's house in Yorba Linda. The minute I saw the house I fell in love with it! Not only was the outside amazing, but the inside was a designers dream! (That'll be a whole separate post!) 
